Compassion
I am confronting a work situation and trying to pull out what is mine and what is everyone else's.
I am working on boundaries.
I am noticing this person inside me who is so scared to get in trouble. I keep asking her, "What is it like to get in trouble? What happens to you? Why is it the most terrible?" but she, so far, doesn't answer. I think she's afraid of getting in trouble. But since I don't know what getting in trouble is like for her, I can't reassure her that she won't get in trouble. Instead, I keep inviting her to tell me about it. I keep telling her that I'll be here, and she can come sit with me. She doesn't have to talk. She can just sit with me. If she does want to talk, then I'll listen, and she can sit with me and talk as much as she needs to and I'll just keep listening.
This person has been very present to me lately. I notice that she's with me almost constantly sometimes. Last night, it was her dream I had: I've been asked to meet in person for a review of my class. This is unusual. Usually, they'd just fill out the form and send it to me. Anyway, in my dream, they sent me this huge package of review materials, and I'd dramatically failed each one. I kept pulling them out and reading them, and they were completely arbitrary things, things I would have no way of knowing I'd be graded on them, things that it's impossible to be graded on, and now I'm failing them.
I'm reminding myself of my students right now. They email me, in a panic, desperate for a higher grade, sure their very lives will end if they do not get the higher grade. Often, they have not completed assignments or done the reading. And still they beg me for extra credit, for some way to raise their grade. I advise them to do the readings and the assignments. I tell them that there is no extra credit. I occasionally tell them that grades don't matter anyway, as long as they're passing. I occasionally look back at my past self, who was concerned with grades (albeit in a different way) and think, "Oh, look at her, so concerned with something that doesn't end up mattering that much." Could I convince myself that the same is true of this work situation?
It feels important to me because my work is important to me and because I am important to me and I do my work. This is an opportunity to allow my ego to be scrubbed completely raw. This is an opportunity to notice that the inherent value of myself, my being, my living body and breath from is not affected by the thing I do to get paid. This is an opportunity to find the value inside myself and act from it, and not from what I think I'm supposed to do. This is a powerful moment. This is a scary moment.
I love teaching. Is it true? I tell myself this and is it true? Here's what I love: I love being the knower. I love sharing the knowledge. I love seeing the knowledge enter someone else's body and become entwined in it. I love the creativity and spontaneity that can happen. I love the honest questions, the ones that demonstrate a desire to make connection. I love the connection, the sharing, the community that I can develop a container for. I love that it feels like I can offer something that can make a difference in the world, to an individual. I love that I can challenge myself, that it doesn't get boring, that I can make new connections between old material, that I have opportunities to not know and to figure out. And practically, I love my schedule, the flexibility, the time I can create for myself, that I can dress comfortable most days and only look professional when I am actually teaching.
bell hooks has been a great teaching mentor of mine, through her books Teaching to Transgress, Teaching Community, and Teaching Critical Thinking. In each of her books, she tells me to create autonomy for students, to challenge them, to meet them where they are, to uphold the values of critical thinking, of social engagement, of equity, of creativity, of love. In each of her books, she tells me how difficult this is to do, how there is significant pushback from administrations, how it is a constant and exhausting struggle.
The point is, I cannot create a world in which I do not get criticism, deserved or otherwise. I cannot create a world wherein I am not pinched by administration and students both sometimes. I cannot have another job where none of these problems exist (although I could have a job with different problems and different benefits). As Shantideva says:
“Where would I find enough leather
I am working on boundaries.
I am noticing this person inside me who is so scared to get in trouble. I keep asking her, "What is it like to get in trouble? What happens to you? Why is it the most terrible?" but she, so far, doesn't answer. I think she's afraid of getting in trouble. But since I don't know what getting in trouble is like for her, I can't reassure her that she won't get in trouble. Instead, I keep inviting her to tell me about it. I keep telling her that I'll be here, and she can come sit with me. She doesn't have to talk. She can just sit with me. If she does want to talk, then I'll listen, and she can sit with me and talk as much as she needs to and I'll just keep listening.
This person has been very present to me lately. I notice that she's with me almost constantly sometimes. Last night, it was her dream I had: I've been asked to meet in person for a review of my class. This is unusual. Usually, they'd just fill out the form and send it to me. Anyway, in my dream, they sent me this huge package of review materials, and I'd dramatically failed each one. I kept pulling them out and reading them, and they were completely arbitrary things, things I would have no way of knowing I'd be graded on them, things that it's impossible to be graded on, and now I'm failing them.
I'm reminding myself of my students right now. They email me, in a panic, desperate for a higher grade, sure their very lives will end if they do not get the higher grade. Often, they have not completed assignments or done the reading. And still they beg me for extra credit, for some way to raise their grade. I advise them to do the readings and the assignments. I tell them that there is no extra credit. I occasionally tell them that grades don't matter anyway, as long as they're passing. I occasionally look back at my past self, who was concerned with grades (albeit in a different way) and think, "Oh, look at her, so concerned with something that doesn't end up mattering that much." Could I convince myself that the same is true of this work situation?
It feels important to me because my work is important to me and because I am important to me and I do my work. This is an opportunity to allow my ego to be scrubbed completely raw. This is an opportunity to notice that the inherent value of myself, my being, my living body and breath from is not affected by the thing I do to get paid. This is an opportunity to find the value inside myself and act from it, and not from what I think I'm supposed to do. This is a powerful moment. This is a scary moment.
I love teaching. Is it true? I tell myself this and is it true? Here's what I love: I love being the knower. I love sharing the knowledge. I love seeing the knowledge enter someone else's body and become entwined in it. I love the creativity and spontaneity that can happen. I love the honest questions, the ones that demonstrate a desire to make connection. I love the connection, the sharing, the community that I can develop a container for. I love that it feels like I can offer something that can make a difference in the world, to an individual. I love that I can challenge myself, that it doesn't get boring, that I can make new connections between old material, that I have opportunities to not know and to figure out. And practically, I love my schedule, the flexibility, the time I can create for myself, that I can dress comfortable most days and only look professional when I am actually teaching.
bell hooks has been a great teaching mentor of mine, through her books Teaching to Transgress, Teaching Community, and Teaching Critical Thinking. In each of her books, she tells me to create autonomy for students, to challenge them, to meet them where they are, to uphold the values of critical thinking, of social engagement, of equity, of creativity, of love. In each of her books, she tells me how difficult this is to do, how there is significant pushback from administrations, how it is a constant and exhausting struggle.
The point is, I cannot create a world in which I do not get criticism, deserved or otherwise. I cannot create a world wherein I am not pinched by administration and students both sometimes. I cannot have another job where none of these problems exist (although I could have a job with different problems and different benefits). As Shantideva says:
“Where would I find enough leather
To cover the entire surface of the earth?
But with leather soles beneath my feet,
It’s as if the whole world has been covered.”
So I am investing in the skill of cobbling.
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